I know this girl who always carries around this huge binder and it's like always in-my-face. She uses it as a battering ram or something, because when she walks through the hall, the entire hallway parts so she can pass. She's really weird, too. She always wears this ridiculously large sweat shirt and these huge pants, and they're always falling off of her. It's like she's hiding something, and I know she is. Aren't we all?
She's really protective of that battering ram. It's always a mystery as to what's held inside. I know there are rumors about her and what she keeps in there.
"It's a slam book!"
"It's a plan! She's going to kill us all!"
Well, whatever it is, she hides it all the time. It's always on her person. And when she sits alone in the back of the bus, she's always clutching to it, white-knuckled, her eyes darting about at nothing.
One of the more outspoken kids in my class was like, "You're fucking weird. What the fuck is your problem?"
She looked up with those big, sad eyes and then just smiled.
Not deterred, the kid continued, "Let me see that book! I want to see how you're going to kill me!" His eyes looked completely maniacal as he reached for her binder.
Her eyes looked even more maniacal, and as he reached, she bit. She bit his arm, so hard it started bleeding.
Horrified, the macho kid was like, "What the fuck! This bitch just bit me! What the fuck! What the fuck!"
She smiled her bloody smile and hissed at him. They left her alone from then on.
But of course there were whispers.
One day, we were on the bus and she was in her regular spot. And then there was a car crash next to us -- like, really, right next to us! She looked so upset. She dropped that binder, and flung open the emergency exit door. Sirens wailing, she ran to the site of the crash and, like a hero, began to help while we all just watched in awe.
And then I realized it. She had dropped that binder. So I crept over, while everyone was gawking, and peered into it.
"Robbie looks really beautiful today, and Shannon's smile shines through her pain."
"I can see that Amanda is really weak, but she always tries."
She was writing about us -- our stories, our lives. It wasn't a slam book. It wasn't a plan for our doom, it was just... Us. Just us. Our school, our town, our people, our love.
And then I turned to the last page. There was a post-it note plastered there.
"Sarah, please eat today. You're beautiful."
It was in her own handwriting.
I guess we all have our secrets. Beneath that huge sweater is a tiny girl with a beautiful outlook on life. Who would have known, if we hadn't looked inside?
And why hadn't anyone asked? Why hadn't I asked? Why does everyone just assume they know, when they obviously don't?
"What are you doing?" came the voice from the back of the bus.
Startled, I slammed the book shut, ran over to her, and hugged her.
"You're the beautiful one," I whispered, and walked away.
So sad that humans are so vain that they think everything MUST be about themselves...we are so skeptical and self centered that we find it the case that everything being said at any given moment must find itself commonly linked within our being. However, its not truly our fault...its human nature really...and yet I cannot say that with entire confidence in my words...instead, lets say, its one aspect of being human. It is this form of thought, the perception that allows us to not only employ our techne and create tools with which to overcome that which is perceived to be a problem, but also it is this perception that is the staple of the human being, and that which (ha) gives him the most anguish and pain. The greatest strength that makes us "greater" than all other animals is this perception...and yet, it is where things such as pain, shame, fear, hate, etc etc come....a sense of personal history is present in us that ratifies us from all other creation....we have been torn from nature and find ourselves very lost. And so we must defend ourselves you see....with sticks and stones...knives and guns....but the most deadly of them all is the word. Oh yes, the hate we spew can topple nations like no nuclear bomb ever could. Sure this is almost entirely unarguable, and yet it is surely the case. There is no other weapon in our arsenal that is as brutal and cruel as the word....it has not only toppled nations, but it has plagued us since birth. Children breed such hatred, such filth and deception....they destroy each other without remorse...and even into adulthood we if not out right say it, surely we are thinking it....we judge, oh how we judge. and they know that we judge, I mean how couldn't they, right?
ReplyDeleteI mean - they are judging us right now...we must rebel. Shouldnt we?....wars are waged over the all mighty word. Yes, weapons serve the final blow, but seeded within the malicious contempt is but a simple word, the most cunning of weapons...one which we've mastered as of young. On the playground setting fire to the world, burning innocent youth with our intent. Disgusting we are.