It feels so much later than it is.. And I've already pounded out tonight's decree to what I thought was a satisfying end, but apparently not. Because here I am lying in my bed, phone in hand, punching out another decree. I'm here screaming, "Here I am! This is me! This is who I am!" And is it? Is this who I am? I'm neglecting homework, wasting time, staring at nothing, wanting more, wanting you... I think this is who I always am because I don't remember ever feeling too much differently. I do enough to get by. Charming the teacher is at least a hundred percent of my grade. But it's not like this is an act. This is me. I can do better, I try to do better, then I'm stuck back in the same place all over again. Lost. Meandering. Feeling about and flailing about without a direction.
And I'm back to screaming, "This is me! This is me!" Who am I trying to convince? You're the only one who reads my writings, so who else would I be trying to convince? You know me way too well already. So who am I? What is me?
We live in a society where one is constantly being graded and judged against a system of merits that honestly mean next to nothing. It is human nature to judge a person before even knowing them, and to some extent, I take this to the extreme. That is not to say that I ever actually "judge" the person, and yet in the first instance in which I meet an individual, I have already decided if I'd like to pursue getting to know them a little better. It's not about words, or even superficial appearances, but instead, its honestly an aura that they emit. Everyone has an aura that they unknowingly give off, and it is something that they are unable to control...they can lie and fake to no end...yet the purity of their aura shall never change. I read poetry in the same ways....the words, forms, meters, rhymes, etc are all what lend to the "beauty" of the piece...and yet the purity of it can never be faked...and neither can it can never be taken from it. So too a person's aura can never be faked or removed....gestures, words, actions, looks...these are all what lend to a persons "beauty" in this sense....yet their purity shall never be touched. I know that I like someone before I even know them, it is as though I am drawn to them...which is an interesting phenomenon to me considering I do everything possible to avoid people. I am a loner. Needless to say, although details are excellent...past, present, future...these are all things that lend to one's beauty and they allow others to view you within a wider scope...but who you are, and what I see and know need no words or looks...They are and always have been right in front of my eyes.
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