replaced

dad sighs, he’s heard this all before
and can do no more than he ever could,
he can’t do anything at all.
the spaces inhabited by me and mine,
my thoughts bouncing, encompassing
the walls of my childhood room,
a room in which my childhood was stolen
by a monster, too crafty to hide in the night -
she hides in plain sight.
boxes packed and passed on through,
empty walls, dust-covered blinds,
temporarily blinded by uniform light —
a stranger to this forsaken land.
new paint changes nothing;
they’ll still find the desperate carvings
in the corner of the closet where i hid
(unsuccessfully) from fisted fury,
the blood, browned from age
fallen from bitten lips and slit wrists
still hiding within these walls.
i look back, i curse myself.
i am far too old to be so broken,
but i can’t help but be broken by you,
and i think you know it.
break me again; bring me back to that place,
and spare the others - they know not who you are.
deliver us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’re getting better at obeying now, although sometimes you think I’m playing with you. Anyone who knows me knows how serious this is - but they all just laugh! They think it’s funny that you can get me riled! Soon you will understand consequences, though!

11-1-92. I was 1 year and 2 months old.

Oh, how I understood. And will always understand.

You won.