It smells awful, like those times when you would be writing real dark in pencil and realize you've made a mistake, so you furiously rub at the spot with an eraser until the rubber is heating up from the friction and the shavings are flying everywhere and you realize it's fruitless because you've written so darkly that the imprint and smudged pencil will forever be in that very spot -- a testimonial to your wrongness. It smells like that: like sheer, utter, unrelenting, perpetual defeat.
And I should probably listen to the rain more often. Maybe I haven't sat in enough complete silence to really know the sound, because it's somewhat unrecognizable. I'm lying here listening, and it sounds like there is a rainstorm in the background, but amplified is the sound of singular raindrops hitting something, collecting somewhere. I don't know where, and I can't find the source of the sound. It's frustrating, not soothing - I'm lonely, not empowered, and I just want to be held. Maybe then the sounds would make sense, because I've certainly never heard them before when I was not alone.
The dripping comes and goes as do the high-force winds as do these thoughts as does the time and the people and the earth just spins. And the books on my bookshelves are tipping this-and-that-a-way, and I don't know what to do with myself. I picked up The Giver and put it down, and picked it up again. I want to write; I want to read... I want to create, I want to remain silent. I want to hold close these quiet moments so when they're not-so-quiet, I can truly cherish those times to the best of my ability.
"I celebrate the diversity in humanity, I celebrate the diversity in humanity, I celebrate the diversity in humanity," after a while, it becomes a monotonous mantra with meaning and melody ~ Melodic, symphonic words pregnant with possibilities if uttered -- but how often are they uttered? How often is ignorance spread in place of love and friendship? A Liberal Arts education is the way to go but all too often 'ignorance is bliss' and education is tossed aside and what then? What happens when education is put on the backburner? We see it in the faces of the homeless, the women struggling without proper healthcare, the neglected and confused children in the foster care system -- What if it wasn't? What if it all just wasn't?
What a wonderful, utopian world it would be.
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